Grudges are funny things. For some of us, they seem to spring up out of nowhere, and before we know it, we’re nursing them over weeks which become months, and then years. You could even say that grudges are uninvited houseguests living rent-free in your mind. How freeing it would be to release those grudges and not give the person who inspired them anymore attention. Well, since last week was “National Forgiveness Week”, and Monday was “Let It Go” day, we thought it would be a good time to cover the topic of forgiveness.
Isn’t it strange how, for some grudges, we remember the exact incident that sparked them? However, for others, all we remember is how we feel. Sometimes it’s not even a person who has earned our ire. It could be a company with poor customer service, or a shop with an unfair returns policy. No matter the reason, most of us hold a grudge, and here are some fascinating stats from a survey conducted by Trustpilot.
- The average adult is nursing around 7 different grudges.
- Out of 12,000 adults polled around the world, 78% admitted harboring resentment about an incident.
- 15% of those polled admitted holding onto a grudge for at least 11 years.
- A third admitted they could no longer remember what their grudge was about.
- Roughly a third of those polled admitted their grudge had affected their mental health, and just over a third regretted their grudge.
Sounds awful, doesn’t it? But here’s the thing: people find holding grudges enjoyable, according to Fred Luskin, a psychologist and director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, says: “Short doses of anger release dopamine, which is a pleasure chemical.” He says it’s no good for the long term. “The problem with dopamine is not that every now and then you might release a tiny bit of it, but if you do it too much, it will make it harder to get pleasure from things you should be getting pleasure from.”
Linda Blair is a clinical psychologist. She says that grudges start “from a place of rigidity, that we feel someone has broken our rules. And that’s very narrow because, of course, why should we expect that our rules are universal rules?” When grudges have an adverse effect on our sleep and energy, it is time to forgive and let it go. If not, the only one hurt in the long run is the person holding the grudge.
So, what are the steps to getting rid of a grudge? Read on.
- Identify what you’re angry about and realize that you can’t change it because it is in the past. Ask yourself why you’re wasting your energy on something you can’t change, and make a list of all the other things you could do with that misspent energy.
- We’re always kinder to others than we are to ourselves, so ask yourself what you would say to a friend if they were carrying the grudge you are. You’re almost certain to look at the situation more logically and come up with a better way to deal with your grudge.
- See if you feel up to talking about your grudge with a friend. Linda Blair says, “preferably someone who doesn’t know the person or circumstances that you are holding a grudge against, so they can be more objective. Should that fail, you can, of course, talk it through with a professional.”
- Robert Enright, professor of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, suggests “without excusing what the other did. People tend to think in either/or ways. Either you forgive and abandon justice, or you stand firm and you don’t forgive under any circumstances until you get justice. But you can have forgiveness and justice grow up together, so that, as you forgive, ask something of the other, and your ask will probably be more gentle, more reasonable and maybe better received.”
- Try to think of the person you’re holding a grudge against as more than someone who did you wrong. Then you stand a better chance of seeing them as an average human being, as a person with emotions, quirks, and vulnerabilities.
- Don’t give anyone else the power to rain on your parade. Practising relaxation techniques every time you’re reminded of your grudge can help take the edge off it. According to Luskin, “You have to practise some degree of gratitude so you get used to seeing life as both difficult and good, and that helps to reduce the power of grudges.”
This lies at the heart of forgiveness, and ultimately, the more our hearts can forgive, the more they can love and find happiness in the genuine joys of life.
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